CHAPTER 9

"Do you remember the first time we went up the attic?" Indira asked

"Don't you feel sleepy tonight?"

Usually both the mother and daughter would sleep the moment they hit the bed. Tonight Vandana is still studying upstairs. Around 11 O'clock she will come down to her room to sleep.

"Don't you remember?" Indira is asking again.

"Yes, I remember."

"Don''t you feel like going there again?"

"No!" I told her the truth.

"I feel like going. Next time we visit home we should go upstairs any way."

"We'll decide on it later on. Now you sleep."

She didn't speak any more. But what use, with just one question she has made a landslide in my mind. I remembered in vivid detail every time I went to the attic with Indira. The first time was on a Saturday noon. After lunch we were playing chess in my room. The sounds from the kitchen grew less and less and there was silence. If you go down you can hear uncle snoring. Aunty called out from down the staircase.

"Vandana, aren't you sleeping?"

Indira went to the staircase and said.

"No, mummy, I am playing chess with Nandettan."

"I am going to sleep." Aunty walked away. She used to have her afternoon siesta on the cemented floor of the dining room. It was cooler there.

Indira came back and without coming to me waiting to start the game, she said.

"Come, let us go to the attic."

She had said it before giving me any chance to prepare my mind for that eventuality. I was hesitant. She held my hand and was dragging me. My God is my life to be ended up in that blasted attic? In the absence of Kuttettan his sister has taken his place. I got up. To be precise, I was compelled to get up.

Every journey through the attic was a new experience. Each step a test for my bravery. Indira who was following me was cool without any tension. She was talking in low voice. She is lowering her voice not because she is scared, but she didn't want her father to hear it. The attic was what we had left last time when I went with Kuttettan. Otherwise what change do I expect in a place where human beings do not venture into? On the three legged table that lay in the space where the staircase ended had those photos strewn on top of it. It was not in order, but kept carelessly. I walked forward. I just wanted to show her that writing table and get back to safety fast.

When we reach the spot where the writing table lay by the side of the wall I looked at her face. She nodded her head questioningly. I pointed to the table. She walked fast to the table and squatted in front of it and tried to open the lid. It didn't open.

"I can't open this." She said in a despairing voice.

I felt really bad. Somehow she sat in front of it in a hurry with the hope of opening it. I too had the feeling that she could do it. I went and sat by her side and said. "Try once again, you can do it."

When she tried I used my thumb on the side without her knowledge and pushed it up and it opened.

"It's open!" She was surprised and was glad she could do it. I had withdrawn my hand before she could find it. Let her believe that she could open it. She was feeling the insides with her hand. All that she could fish out was that horoscope. When she took it out I told her.

"Keep it back."

"But, why?" She was inspecting it in all angles.

"It is the horoscope of an ancestor. Panikkar uncle had told us not to touch dead people's horoscope."

"Why so?"

"I don't know the reason." I quickly snatched it from her and put it back in the box. She slowly closed the lid inspecting the inside thoroughly.

"Now let's go back." I said.

"But then we have to inspect the attic?"

"No, let's go."

"Nandetta, you can go. I will walk around and come. I want to see that staircase you two had seen one day."

I am in serious trouble. I knew her nature. She would walk around and then only come back. And I am scared of leaving her alone in the attic. Finally I had to concede. I said. "Okay, come along, fast."

Again, we started walking through narrow alleys and dark pathways. This time all were new alleys we had never seen before. It was beyond my rational thinking that there could be so many paths in that attic. There are antiquities laid out on sides, China clay jars, vessels and household articles, broken and unbroken tiles. Indira wanted to inspect each and every item. Many items are in good condition and can be used. Probably many family divisions had left them when they left to live separately. There could be a story behind every family clan, disasters, and tragedies. Memories those were lost to the generation after generation of members. Indira would come holding a thing or two.

"Let's take it along?"

I said you can't take it downstairs. Only when I told that her father would skin our rump if he finds these things with us, did she relent. She was talking all time from behind. When her voice trails behind I would turn back only to find her inspecting something closely. I would call her and she would come running. As I moved on I entered into a world of my own thoughts. It was not clear what I was thinking about. Behind me Indira's voice came from a distance. I am aware of that, but somehow I do not care about it anymore and move on like a zombie.

Suddenly I heard Indira's voice. "Nandetta, come here!"

It looks like she wanted to show me something. I looked back, but she was not anywhere to be seen. I walked back for some distance and in fact I was running back calling her name. Numerous empty side lanes, but she was not to be seen anywhere. I have never felt so much tension all my life. I somehow wanted to get out of that attic. I had a faint hope that Indira would have gone back and I was trying to find a route to escape. In between I could feel the exhaling of somebody near me. I was travelling back in time through generations of dead family members. It was an eerie feeling!

Finally I could locate the staircase through which I climbed up. I ran down the stairs and again the staircase to the ground floor. I ran to the dining room. It was empty. I thought I heard Aunty's voice from the kitches. I called out. "Indira....."

Indira came from the kitchen. "Mummy Nandettan has come. You can give him tea."

I rushed and hugged her and kissed her on her cheeks. I was panting. Indira was dumb for a while, and then asked with a smile.

"What happened to you, Nandetta? You are panting."

"Hmm... I came running down from the attic because I missed you somewhere up there."

"So Nandettan was in the attic all this time?" She whispered in my ears. I nodded. It was then I noticed the clock on the wall. It was 6 O'clock. So was I there in attic from two to six? For four hours was I roaming in the attic! It was inconceivable.

"The tea I had prepared is cold. I will prepare fresh tea. Where were you?" Aunty said from the kitchen. "Vandana, by the time I prepare tea give Nandettan an ada."

Removing the burnt banana leave cover from the ada, a tasty snacks prepared from rice power made into a paste and spread on a plantain leave and folded with grated coconut and sugar and burned on a pan or on embers. I was introspecting. What had happened? How come Indira came down without me? Or has she come down through some other stairs. I could not ask her anything right now, but she has discerned the questions lurking in my eyes. She raised her eyebrows questioningly. I signed her that I will tell it later on. Aunty has brought tea.

"Where were you?"

"Aunty, I had gone to Vinod's house. I had to get some notes from him." I prayed that my statement should hold water. It seems Aunty was satisfied with my explanation.

At dusk she lights the brass oil lamp in front of the idol in pooja aroom and we sit together to say our prayers. After that she will follow me to wherever I go and keep on talking. Uncle usually goes out at this time of the day. Aunty would be in the kitchen. Half her life is in the kitchen and the remaining in sleep.

There was very little light in the courtyard. There were shadows in the compound. Voices of various birds were coming destined to the tall mango tree. I asked Indira the question I couldn't ask her from the kitchen.

"How did you manage to come down from the attic?"

"Me? Yeah, you were walking ahead and I called you and turned back to come down and I thought you were following me."

"I turned back when I heard you calling, but couldn't find out where you were. I wandered on the attic looking for you. I thought something terrible must have happened to you. I was scared stiff."

"You were looking for me all these four hours?"

"Yes."

"How sad! I thought you might have known that I have come down through the stair........ Wait a minute...... through the staircase! Through which staircase did I come down? No I climbed down through another stair... Nandettan was telling about a staircase. Yes that's it. It was that staircase. A beautiful one with hand rails nicely decorated and at the lowest part a spoke was broken and detached. It was hanging on the handrail. Yes I remember there was a door, a closed door. I crossed it ........ but for heaven’s sake how did I reach the dining room? I only remember when I woke up I was sleeping by the side of mother."

Indira was confused. My confusion was slowly clearing. She had not made out about that staircase from imagination. The spoke at the lowest end of the handrail indeed was broken and hanging. Yes, I remember to have seen it. So there was a staircase coming down from another part in the attic, or from another time...... I corrected myself. But how come it has come up now?